Strong Hands

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me 'cause I can't do this alone.

-Sanctus Real

            What do you do when you plan a beach day and you wake up to a hissing sound from the water heater and you empty out the closet and find everything soaked from a leaky pipe? Well, if you are my husband, you patch the pipe, clean up the water, leave the rest of the mess for the next day, and take your family to the Chinese restaurant for lunch and then to the beach for an awesome afternoon. Not that this was accomplished without some shouting from everyone and a bit-just a bit-of whining from the kids. Not that the mess is going to be fun to deal with in a little while, or that we are thrilled that we will have to throw out the majority of books and games that were in that closet. But we did have a great afternoon, and I was honestly relieved that it was only a leaky pipe, since we have had to have plumbing repairs done quite recently AND had to replace the ancient washer and dryer which both gave up the ghost on the same day. Tough times don’t have to be altogether bad times.

            While we were at the beach, we found a live sand dollar. None of us had ever seen a live one before. Of course we put it back after looking at it, because you can buy dead, dried sand dollars at any local souvenir shop. We also played with hundreds of harmless, beautiful little jellyfish, the nearly transparent kind. As my husband was holding one of these small treasures in his large hands, I looked at his hands and thought about how they have the power to destroy. He could have easily crushed those tiny creatures. He chooses gentleness. He chooses to be kinder than is required or necessary. He is meek. The definition of meekness is not weakness; it is “power under control”. This pretty much sums up my Freddie, the man who could not kill a moth when he felt her heart beating, but also the man who I know could kill a lion if his family was in danger. The man who does what he has to do to keep this fragile little ship afloat, including a second job teaching online classes. In this economy, a third income is often necessary, especially for people with kids. I am glad his second job can be accomplished via the laptop in the living room, because we can be together.

            A father’s presence is important. A recent study showed that well over half of high-achieving students have involved fathers. I know many single moms who do a fantastic job, but it just must be so much harder on their own. I cannot imagine trying to do this whole parenting thing without my husband. I know that I was probably much more obedient to my mother than I would have been had I not had the shadow of my father looming over me, even when he had to be away on a business trip. My own kids are the same. They kind of disregard me, because moms just nag you and go psycho on you, but they generally do what they are told anyhow because Dad will be upset and disappointed if they don’t. My husband is the kind of dad you just don’t want to disappoint-not because he is mean, but because he is genuinely hurt and surprised when the kids don’t do what they are told. He is also good at making the consequences fit the crime and is reasonable about it, whereas I am the one to try to dole out some ridiculously exaggerate thing like, “You can’t go anywhere again, EVER, for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!” Yeah, they take that seriously.

            On the way home yesterday, we passed, for the thousandth time, the spear hunting museum. I don’t know why there is a spear hunting museum in our county, but there is. Hardly anyone goes there, for even we Lower Alabamians who are fierce about our right to bear arms are kind of horrified by the idea of looking at dead animals that were killed for no reason whatsoever. There are certain ethics involved here. There is rumored to be an elephant in the museum, murdered before killing elephants became illegal .Whether this is actually true or not, most people I know would agree that there is nothing manly about killing animals with a spear just so you can stuff them and brag about it. As we were passing the museum, my girls commented on how much fun it would be to hear their dad question the spear hunter dude as to his logical reasons for slaughtering animals and causing them undue pain and suffering. My husband grew up around guns and hunting and fishing and has no problem with killing animals for food (although he personally chooses not to), or killing vermin that invade his home (as humanely as possible), or gently releasing a suffering creature from its pain, or shooting, say, a rabid dog or some other dangerous animal that is attacking or threatening human beings. All of this is Biblical and right, but in all cases should be done with a minimum of pain inflicted on the animal. That’s called good stewardship. Deliberate destruction or torture or neglect of God’s creatures, or any kind of pointless, random act that harms an animal, is shameful and probably even sinful. This is what my husband, a man of God, has taught his children.

            He has also taught them this-to be kind and compassionate to everyone, and treat them with dignity and respect. You don’t have to like them or agree with them or anything, but there is nothing to lose in being nice and gracious to people. He has taught them that when you get frustrated with the guy on the phone who is just doing his job working for the cable company, you have to back off and realize that he is not the one who is actually responsible for the fact that the cable company is lousy and doesn’t follow through. Then you have to apologize and tell him that you know it’s not his fault. And when the waitress in the restaurant is doing her very best even though the people in the kitchen haven’t done what they are supposed to do and they are shorthanded because of poor management, you smile at the waitress and thank her for her efforts and give her the most decent tip you can afford, because her job is not easy. You don’t make fun of people because they talk funny or aren’t very smart or can’t run fast or look different from you, and you don’t go around being self-righteous just because other people sin different from you. Be humble. Be brave in the face of adversity and get up every day with the attitude that you are going to do what you have to do and it’s going to be okay because God is going before you and stands beside you.

            My husband has strong hands and a strong heart. As a teacher, he impacts many students every day of his life, often without even realizing it. As a husband and father, he is superb. He is loving. He is tough when he needs to be. He is funny and he is tender. There is no subject that the kids feel uncomfortable discussing with him, and he turns every small outing into an adventure and a learning experience. When he messes up, he acknowledges it and asks forgiveness. He isn’t perfect because nobody is, but I would say he qualifies for the Dads’ Hall of Fame. He looks to God for answers because he knows that he cannot do this on his own. He listens and he loves. He leads his family with strong hands.

            Happy Fathers’ Day, Fredzy My Love!!!

This is our resolution
Our answer to the call
We will love our wives and children
We refuse to let them fall

We will reignite the passion
That we buried deep inside
May the watchers become warriors
Let the men of God arise.-Casting Crowns

Sinners in the Hands of a Loving God

“‘Cause I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful…”

-Leslie Jordan

                In 1741 Jonathan Edwards delivered a sermon which was to become famous and would also contribute to the Great Awakening, a short-lived revival which swept across the nation. Thousands were converted-or were they? In my opinion, “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” was effective in converting a few, bringing some back, and frightening many. “Over the summer of 1735, religious fervor took a dark turn. A number of New Englanders were shaken by the revivals but not converted, and became convinced of their inexorable damnation. Edwards wrote that "multitudes" felt urged—presumably by Satan—to take their own lives. At least two people committed suicide in the depths of their spiritual distress, one from Edwards's own congregation—his uncle Joseph Hawley II. It is not known if any others took their own lives, but the "suicide craze" effectively ended the first wave of revival, except in some parts of Connecticut.” –George Marsden

                As a piece of literature, Edwards’ sermon has merit. As a sermon, it has little, as far as I am concerned. Edwards meant well, and the extreme always makes an impression. There are lots of well-meaning people in the world who teach wrong theology.

                “The wrath of God is like great waters that are dammed for the present; they increase more and more, and rise higher and higher, till an outlet is given, and the longer the stream is stop’d, the more rapid and mighty is its course, when once it is let loose. ‘Tis true, that judgment against your evil works has not been executed hitherto; the floods of God’s vengeance have been with-held; but your guilt in the mean time is constantly increasing, and you are every day treasuring up more wrath; the waters are continually rising and waxing more and more mighty; and there is nothing but the mere pleasure of God that holds the waters back that are unwilling to be stopped, and press hard to go forward; if God should only withdraw his hand from the flood-gate, it would immediately fly open, and the fiery floods of the fierceness and wrath of God would rush forth with inconceivable fury, and would come upon you with omnipotent power; and if your strength were ten thousand times greater than it is, yea ten thousand times greater than the strength of the stoutest, sturdiest devil in hell, it would be nothing to withstand or endure it.” –Edwards

            Lovely, isn’t it? It does not sound at all like the loving God, the Abba Father whom I worship and serve. God is not angry with us. He is grieved at times, but He made His peace with mankind when Jesus came, and the debt was settled at the Cross. Yes, there always have been and always will be consequences for sin. When we do the wrong thing it has a negative effect on others as well as ourselves. We live in a fallen world where bad things happen. But God is not angry with us.

            I have tried to figure out where some of the strange ideas people have regarding The Rules actually originated, and I have to say that a lot of blame must be placed on the Puritans. If you were having fun, you were sinning. You had to dress a certain way, act a certain way, speak a certain way, and think a certain way. Holidays were by and large not celebrated, and heaven forbid that anyone play cards or dance or read anything that wasn’t religious. It was a pretty grim life, and the people were ruled by fear. This, however, has not changed for many Christians. They view Christianity as a religion, which it was never intended to be, rather than a relationship with a Father who loves His children and wants to give them good things.

            “The God that holds you over the pit of hell, much as one holds a spider, or some loathsome insect, over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked; his wrath towards you burns like fire; he looks upon you as worthy of nothing else, but to be cast into the fire; he is of purer eyes than to bear to have you in his sight; you are ten thousand times so abominable in his eyes as the most hateful venomous serpent is in ours. You have offended him infinitely more than ever a stubborn rebel did his prince: and yet ’tis nothing but his hand that holds you from falling into the fire every moment: ‘Tis to be ascribed to nothing else, that you did not go to hell the last night; that you was suffer’d to awake again in this world, after you closed your eyes to sleep: and there is no other reason to be given why you have not dropped into hell since you arose in the morning, but that God’s hand has held you up: There is no other reason to be given why you han’t gone to hell since you have sat here in the house of God, provoking his pure eyes by your sinful wicked manner of attending his solemn worship: Yea, there is nothing else that is to be given as a reason why you don’t this very moment drop down into hell.” –Edwards

            Loathsome? Abhors? Wrath? Abominable? These are not the words I believe God uses to describe us or how He feels about us. He LOVES us!! He sees us as BEAUTIFUL, regardless of the fact that we are indeed sinners. We are broken. We are indeed wretched, in and of ourselves, but He is not dangling us over a fiery pit-although admittedly we often dangle ourselves there. Not only can He “bear” to have us in His sight, but we are the apple of His eye. He wants us to talk to Him, to petition Him, to praise Him, to thank Him, to love Him. He wants us to be His children and His friends. Jonathan Edwards was misguided-but he was not alone. Even now, it is not uncommon for Christians to be told that bad things happen to us, like, say, infertility, because of unconfessed sin. Or maybe our child gets sick or our air conditioner breaks or our dog gets hit by a car-because we haven’t been tithing. This formulaic approach is utter nonsense. It is an attempt to figure out how to work the “system” and get God into a box so that we can understand how to make Him do what we want.

            The Bible says that God rains down blessings on the just and the unjust. It’s in there. God does not work according to any kind of twelve-step plan. Those ideas are man-made and have little to do with God. We should live in obedience to Him and seek His will and follow His precepts as far as we are able, but we will stumble and no one can keep the Law. It is an ideal and a pattern and an example, but it is impossible for humanity to achieve. If it wasn’t, there would have been no need for Jesus. Jesus-the friend of sinners. The One who also set an example of love and mercy and grace. The One who told everyone to drop their rocks and go on home, because He was the only one qualified to judge or condemn the woman taken in adultery.And then-oh and then, what did He say to her? “Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.” It’s beautiful, and all the more so because we ARE that woman. God shows us mercy every day, and he doesn’t just “put up” with us, but DELIGHTS in us! We are not abhorrent to Him. He looks and He loves and He pities. He wants to dance with us every day, to the Song of All Songs.

            We are not sinners in the hands of an angry God. We are sinners in the hands of a LOVING God. “Come, all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Notice that He promises rest, but He doesn’t promise perfection. He promises to stay, but not to always prevent those trials which may very well be mercies in disguise. He promises pleasures forevermore, the goodness of God in the land of the living, mercies that are new every morning, living water, treasures in Heaven, and greater glory. All we have to do is choose to receive His grace. It’s a heck of a good deal.

            I hope you will join in the dance with the Divine.

Yes living, dying let me bring
My strength my Solace from the Spring
That he who lives to be my king
Once died to be my Savior

That he would leave his place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You called it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior.

-Aaron Schust

Shadows and Deserts

“It's not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.”
― Stephen Fry

                One of my students told me several weeks ago that she admires me for being real. I was grateful for the compliment, as I am pathetically grateful for any word of encouragement. I dislike public praise intensely but that doesn’t mean I have less of a need than anyone else for occasional validation. I am not overly fond of large crowds of people; I prefer small groups and one-on-one conversations. That does not mean that I want to live in isolation. I often cannot attend get-togethers for various reasons including transportation issues or other commitments, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be invited. By nature I am somewhat introverted, although I no longer consider myself shy. I love people and I want to have friends, although I am not a Joiner who has a need to belong to lots of organizations or go running from event to event. Some people do and that’s fine; it’s just not me. My husband is my best friend and I honestly prefer his company to anyone else’s. That may be weird, and it’s also probably weird that as a general rule I am more comfortable around men than women and more comfortable around older people and young adults than those nearer my own age. I am not sure why any of these things are, they just ARE.

                I probably shouldn’t overanalyze myself. My dad used to tell me that being shy was a prideful thing because it means that you think people notice you a lot more than they actually do. He was right. I mean, probably a dozen people actually read this blog and twenty-five percent of those are related to me. I don’t really write it for other people as much as I do for myself anyway, although if what I write helps or inspires others, so much the better.  To quote Eeyore, “Thanks for noticing me.”  Writing is one of my “mad intensities” as is reading. There is something in me that causes me to love the things I love with a great passion- writing, reading, teaching, God, my family, my friends, animals. Over the years I have traded one obsession for another as a result of an addictive personality or OCD or whatever name experts want to give it. But in talking to artists, writers, musicians, and so on I realize that this is all part of a creative mind and personality. It’s weird, yes, but it’s not crazy or anything.

                I have to be extremely careful not to drive myself and other s insane. I try not to expect too much from people lest I drain them completely. I am very, very cautious about giving away too much of myself to others. I know I can give it all to God and He can bear it in a way that human beings cannot. When I was younger I had impossible standards for others which were only a reflection of the standards I had for myself. Ultimately, I broke. I have broken many times since, but not irrevocably. I still sometimes expect too much from family and friends-expect them to understand what cannot possibly be understood, expect them to never hurt me or let me down in any way. That is not fair. What I really try to do is accept others the way I want to be accepted. I try to be for my students that person who will listen and care and not judge, and will see the potential in them and not ever simply write them off.

“If you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”
― Jodi Picoult

                I have never been able to quite “blend in.”  If you are different, it’s just not possible. Now, of course, my very large size makes it more difficult than before. I used to wear grays and browns and blacks hoping that it would make me sort of disappear, but when I realized a few years ago that it wasn’t working anyway, I decided to start wearing what I like, including the bright colors that are supposed to be a no-no for middle-aged stout ladies. And people do sometimes stare and giggle, and students make fun of me behind my back, or sometimes pretty much right in my face, and I just ignore it. I hate my fat, but I LIKE my clothes and my hair, and I have as much right to wear pretty things as skinny people do. Take that, Abercrombie and Fitch. And by the way, to those who whisper, “She’s gonna break that chair,” just know that I have never broken a chair. I have fallen out of a few, due to sheer clumsiness, but I have never broken one. I am smart enough to figure out where I can and cannot sit, just as I am smart enough to know when people are making fun of me.

                I’m trying to be real here, as real as I have ever been. What I loved about working with very young children was that there was no judgment, just smiling acceptance and trust. Teenagers aren’t so kind-well, some of them are-but the great irony is that they say they hate hypocrisy and legalism but they themselves condemn one another and everyone else on the basis of appearances and other surface-level junk. I choose to love them in spite of this, because the reality is that inside, they are terribly insecure and many of them have suffered great pain. Most of the kids I teach are good-hearted and compassionate, but a few have let bitterness take root and grow and because of this they seem to take great pleasure in hurting others. I myself was extremely arrogant as a teenager, setting myself above others and saying that I was smarter than almost anyone else and I did not stop at sometimes saying cruel things. I thought it would lessen my own pain, but it actually made me feel worse which was why I didn’t do it very often. I think that’s true of most people. Maybe I am being idealistic, but I think that deep down, very few people are actually so mean that they don’t feel at least some guilt about their unkind behavior.

                I try to think about what is the “Christian” response to being mistreated, made fun of, left out, etc. I try to recall the Golden Rule. I remind myself that I am a child of the King and that no one else’s opinion actually matters. But all of these are the same old platitudes which, even though true, can sometimes ring hollow when you’ve been dealing with the same crap over and over for forty-two years. I leave the first five years of my life out of it because before I went to school, no one told me that I was fat, and no one told me I was weird except my siblings who were pretty weird themselves. But I find myself in this great dilemma now because every time anything happens, I get the idea that no one likes me and I logically know this to be very untrue. Then I go from that to doubting every ability, every relationship, every aspect of my life and personality.  I get to self-analyzing and using this blog that most people don’t even read to vent the fact that everyone knows-the world is a cruel place.

                It is a cruel place indeed, sinful and fallen. I try to also see the beauty that is in it and most of the time I succeed because God’s grace and glory cannot be denied. I have been blessed so far beyond what I deserve that at times it overwhelms me. Why, then, do I let the pain and fear and worry overshadow the goodness of God in the land of the living, without which we would all surely despair? Sometimes I feel as if I am totally alone..and yet:

“There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was a light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach. His song in the Tower had been defiance rather than hope; for then he was thinking of himself. Now, for a moment, his own fate, and even his master’s, ceased to trouble him. He crawled back into the brambles and laid himself by Frodo’s side, and putting away all fear he cast himself into a deep untroubled sleep.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

                Tolkien was right. The Shadow is only a small and passing thing. The enemy would like for us to think it is more, that it is bigger and more powerful than it really is. My reality is that there are students who do not like or respect me, but there are more who do. There are people who have utter contempt for me and for everyone in general, but there are people who care. There are days that are bad and days that are good, times when nothing seems to go right and everything is a desert, and then the streams and rivers are filled with good rain and it’s all okay again. This is just life-the world and the way things are-the way things have been since the day sin and death entered Creation. There are no easy answers .I keep seeking and seeking and I find only glimpses of Truth and sparks of Divine. The moments of clarity are rare but lovely. The times of refreshing are fulfilling. And if for a season I must retreat into my books and be sustained by prayer, then so be it.  I have to stay real but I also have to stay sane. To trust in that light and beauty beyond the Shadow is all I have, all any of us have. It is all that matters, in the long run. Trust…and hope.

 

“The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places.
But still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now
mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings 

Going Deeper

“I do believe in God. That seems to offend people more than almost anything else. I think they would find it…well that is my limited experience, that they have more of a problem with me believing in God than they would have if I was an unrepentant atheist.”  J.K. Rowling

          Before I begin, let me make a few things perfectly clear. First, just because I myself read-and allow my own children to read-particular books or watch particular movies, does not mean that I would have my students read or watch them. Every book I assign in my English classes is on the recommended reading list endorsed by ACSI-the Association of Christian Schools International-and, because this list was compiled by Christians who had actually READ the books and knew what they were doing, it includes not only works like The Scarlet Letter and Pilgrim’s Progress, but also the often-banned To Kill a Mockingbird, Lord of the Flies, Huckleberry Finn, The Diary of Anne Frank, Animal Farm, and Of Mice and Men. In order to be educated, one must have read certain books, period. The compliers of the list understood that. Secondly, I have never assigned a book that I have not myself read and I am always careful to explain the purpose behind each book, the author’s background, and the historical context of both the novel itself and the time period in which the author was writing. I teach EVERYTHING through the lens of Christianity, and there is much richness to be found in, I venture to say, the majority of classic literature and probably half of modern literature. Finally, I have been working on this blog entry for several weeks in response to a couple of incidents/comments that I have either overheard or that affected me or my kids in some way. I have done my homework, as the diligent student of life that I am. My conclusion: I want to keep going deeper, and I want my kids to go deeper, and this may involve sometimes reading or watching things that some might find offensive.

          Everyone pretty much agrees that an educated person needs to have been exposed to Shakespeare, the Bible, and Greek mythology. Even most atheists say this. Why? Because these three works, in the literary sense, are at the heart of ALL literature. In order to understand everything else, there must be a frame of reference. As a Christian parent and educator, I believe-and teach-that the Bible is the source of all truth, and that all truth is God’s truth. Everything else that we read and watch and even experience points back to this Source. This does not mean, however, that other things cannot supplement, enhance, and enlighten the truth of Scripture-even things with which we do not agree.

          If you want to talk about book banning, consider this: nearly everything has been banned, or boycotted, or complained about by somebody, somewhere, at some time. Do you realize that the Little House series by Laura Ingalls Wilder has been banned in some circles as being “too traditional”, “disturbing in its depiction of family relationships” and, of course, “sexist”? Yep. Now, in the light of the twenty-first century, and equal rights and all of that, I can see how it might be interpreted that way. After all, Ma cooked and cleaned and took care of the kids while Pa went out and worked. That’s the way it was then, in the 1880’s. It’s what people did. And I, for one, have a great deal of respect for Ma.  Have you ever tried to lift one of the irons that was used at that time? I have. I couldn’t do it. Neither could any of the moms who were with us on the field trip to the Heritage Museum, and we all agreed that Ma, along with her frontier woman counterparts, was one tough lady. I love the Little House series and the values that it depicts, with hard work and faith and family at the core. I also love the charming, completely unrealistic works of Louisa May Alcott. Alcott was deeply offended by the works of Mark Twain, stating that his books were “unwholesome for our young lads and lasses”. Ironically, Alcott’s family was not what many would consider “Christian” and had some ideas which would later get Walt Whitman, among others, in a whole lot of trouble with the” Christian” community. To me, when Huckleberry Finn tears up the letter that will doom his friend Jim to a continued life of slavery and mutters, “All right, then, I’ll GO to hell,” it is one of the most profound statements in all of literature-and Alcott, along with much of the country, took it entirely out of context. Those who have screamed down through the centuries that this incredible, beautiful story about true compassion versus the cruelty of bigots and hypocrites have not ever read it-or at least have not understood it. Therein lies the problem.

          The much-maligned Harry Potter series is every bit as Christian as Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings and Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia. I say this having read every book and watched every movie and carefully researching Rowling and her intent. She IS a Christian; she has so stated time and time again. Google it yourself. She is NOT a Wiccan, despite rumors to the contrary. Honestly, though, a writer being Christian is not the sole criteria on which I base my reading choices. George Orwell was not a Christian as far as I know, nor was William Golding, nor John Steinbeck. Twain, Poe, and Hawthorne are a bit murkier. Twain’s condemnation of hypocrisy was not necessarily a condemnation of all Christians; Poe was an utterly miserable individual who begged God’s mercy at the end of his life; and Hawthorne was horrified by the actions of the Puritans, especially when he learned that one of his own ancestors was a judge during the Salem Witch Trials and was responsible for the deaths of innocent people. All things considered, the bitterness of these three writers was perfectly understandable, even if it wasn’t right. And if I read ONLY specifically Christian books by Christian authors, there would be precious little left to read.

          Now I am REALLY going to step on some toes, because my experience with much of Christian entertainment has been that it is formulaic, unrealistic fluff. Enjoyable and encouraging, yes, but still way too simple. I call it “Christianity Lite”. At the end there’s a great payoff, like in the movie Facing the Giants. I realize that it was meant to show the ultimate of what God can do, but He doesn’t always work like that. In fact, He usually doesn’t, and so people who are “turned on” to Christianity by these kinds of promises often end up running the other way, heartbroken and disillusioned. The only promises, ever, were that hard times WOULD come and that he would never leave us or forsake us. There are not now nor have there ever been any easy answers. I prefer things like Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts and John Ramsey’s The Other Side of Suffering, which depict real Christians who have gone through very real and terrible tragedy and their only testimony is that God is still good in spite of it all. As far as fiction goes, I like to go deep into the works of the great writers, Christian or not, and explore themes of good versus evil and darkness versus light and the pitfalls of pride. Books about Amish girls who get shunned by their communities and then find true love and happiness at the end are nice, and I have read many of them, but not because I was seeking any deep meaning. They were just for fun. Les Miserables, on the other hand, shows the best and worst of humanity and the miracle of true redemption. I like that better.

          I am not saying that I read absolutely anything. Obviously I avoid things that I know may cause me to stumble or are just trash, and when we researched Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials and realized that he is blatantly, intentionally anti-God, and had a goal in mind of turning CHILDREN against God, we chose to stop reading. However, I cannot make that decision for anyone else or condemn them for choosing to read the series. Maybe they will find something in them that I have not found, but when students ask me about them I give my opinion and explain why I feel that way. Likewise, when Raina expressed a desire to read Twilight, because everybody else was (which is never a good reason to do something anyway) we sat down with her and explained that actually, we would prefer that she read Dracula and get the REAL lowdown on vampires first. We had her research the Twilight series for herself, and I had read the first book and could honestly say that it was poorly written and I didn’t like it. Ultimately, Raina decided for herself to pass on those. This was about four years ago, and I would probably let her read them now if she wanted to, but she doesn’t because she knows there are better things out there.

          In our research on Harry Potter, we found nothing that particularly bothered us and, in fact, as we delved into the books and movies as a family, we found much to talk about. As far as people getting all uptight about the “spells” in the book, I hope they don’t think that saying a bunch of Latin words would actually cause anything to happen, like someone being turned into a toad or growing a pig’s tail. That’s silly. If you look up Biblical definitions of witchcraft and magic, you will find something far different and far more sinister than that. True witchcraft, as so well depicted in Macbeth , involves mental manipulation and control. Shakespeare just threw in the cauldrons and broomsticks for fun, as the Elizabethan audiences liked that sort of thing.

          Sometimes I will change my mind about a book or movie, like Life of Pi. I read it a few years ago and totally hated it, but then after talking with a student about her take on it, I am going to give it another go. I am open-minded enough to do that, to think maybe I misjudged. I have been known to do that. I like books and movies that challenge me and deepen my faith, and sometimes they may be things with which I disagree. Then, you see, I have to think about why I disagree, and is my disagreement based on God’s truth, or my own opinion? It’s actually a lot of fun. More people should try it. J.K. Rowling says that she has never had a child come up to her and say, “I really want to become a witch since reading your books.” This is probably because kids understand that the books are not “about” witchcraft. The magical world is simply the backdrop against which the beauty and terror of the story is played out, like Middle Earth or Narnia.

          I will not say what I think about the way some people misuse and misinterpret the Bible for their own selfish motives. That’s a whole other topic for another time, but I will say that I have seen it for myself and it’s not pretty. It’s fairly disgusting and I think it grieves God far more than my daughter reading The Caster Chronicles does. My sixteen-year-old is grounded enough in her faith to handle this series just fine, thank you, and although she is only halfway through the first book, Beautiful Creatures, she is already seeing how the struggle between good and evil, the choice between darkness and light, is going down in the little Southern town of Gatlin. What she will get, I trust, is the message that I got-that we DO always have a choice, even when people tell us otherwise. We do not have to settle for a doomed destiny; we CAN fight the darkness. This is an important message for my kids. They are also getting it, by the way, from our viewing of the excellent miniseries The Bible, lest any should think we leave Scripture out of things. We don’t. It is the center of all that we do, say, watch, and read. It is the frame of reference to which we always return. So don’t judge me because I allowed my fourteen-year-old to watch Les Miserables. Yes, there were some rough scenes, but she handled it. At the end of the film she said, “Why are people even worried about that? Why would you want to miss that movie because of ONE scene?” (The scene in question, by the way, was in the movie to show just how decadent and wicked some people are. My child GOT that.)

          In the long run, you have to just trust that if you are raising your children with certain values, they will make the right choices. They don’t, always, but when my kids fall short it won’t be because they read the Harry Potter books. I do not anticipate them going out there with wands and trying to cast spells on people. They already know to avoid things like Ouija boards and Tarot cards simply because it might open a door they don’t want to open, but reading about fantasy magic does not fall into the same category . If they have questions, they ask. When we play the often misunderstood Dungeons and Dragons (the board game version), they know that we are playing a game, a pretend game where we fight evil and triumph over it. Should I not allow them to play MarioKart because it might promote reckless driving?  How about that book, Black Beauty? Aren’t talking animals Satanic or something? And just FYI-the song “Puff the Magic Dragon” was never about anything other than a dragon and a little boy, and you can ruin nearly anything if your overanalyze it.

          Christians have got to stop being so fearful. To read about an idea or think about an idea is not the same as embracing it. To allow an opinion to be expressed is not the same thing as agreeing with it. Already, my kids disagree with me about a few things and they are free to do so. They understand and cherish and practice the essentials , like loving God and acknowledging Jesus as Lord and Savior and trying to follow Him and seek and submit to His will. They also do those things like loving their neighbor and showing compassion to those in need, and reading The Caster Chronicles or Harry Potter isn’t going to change that. They are not in the least confused about what is real and what is not, and they laugh at “scary” movies as though they are watching a comedy. They fear not, for they know that they are safe in the arms of Jesus no matter what. Yes, we have made mistakes as parents and will make more, but I am confident that my children know what they believe and why. I don’t think allowing my teenagers to read and watch certain things makes me a bad or irresponsible parent. It would, however, be irresponsible to forbid and condemn absolutely everything and not tell them which things can actually be backed up by Scripture and which are matters of opinion. My hope and prayer is that, by allowing them to question and explore, they will not have to find out the hard way that, while drinking a glass of wine is not a sin, getting drunk and getting behind the wheel of a car is not only sinful, but very stupid. Or that, while gambling may not be expressly forbidden in Scripture, it is not good stewardship and it is not trusting God for what you need and it can be extremely destructive. Listening to the Beatles won’t hurt them, but having premarital sex will. Let’s not major on the minors, folks. Let’s be real with our kids.

          Let’s “keep the main thing, the main thing.” 

“I go to church myself, …I don't take any responsibility for the lunatic fringes of my own religion."-J.K.Rowling

A Time of Innocence

“Time it was and what a time it was, it was

A time of innocence, a time of confidences…”

                I reconnected on Facebook yesterday with my first best friend. My friend for life. Say what you will about social networking-and it definitely has a downside-but it has enabled me to keep in touch with many people with whom I share a bond. Some of these connections go back to high school or middle school, some back even further. And then there is Lynn. She has known me since I was born. Yes, actually since I was born. She was just a toddler herself then and I doubt she remembers much about my earliest years, but I do not recall a life without my Lynnie-Pooh. Through the years we would sometimes lose touch, but we always found each other again.

                Lynn’s actual first name is Patricia and she is Trish to most of the world. Lynn is her middle name and it was what her family always called her. Thus, so did my family. She lived across the street from my grandparents and our families were friends when we lived in Jacksonville. We moved away from there when I was two, but we would visit my grandparents several times a year and Lynn and I would pick up right where we left off. In between we wrote letters, and I still had those letters up until the day my mom’s house burned. Letters filled with little-girl confidences and, as we grew older, more serious secrets.

                We had so much fun together and could make each other laugh like no one else could. We were nothing alike physically-me with my chubby body and wild red hair; she with her impossibly skinny legs and straight blonde hair-but our hearts were the same. We didn’t share everything, since she loved to cook and sew and I couldn’t do either (still can’t), and I was always writing in my journal. But we were alike in nearly every other way, with an uncanny love for animals and nature and a desire to imagine and create and Do Things. When we weren’t Making Something or Building Something, we were Pretending Something. Countless reenactments of Old Yeller took place in my grandmother’s front yard, with dramatic weeping and sobbing in the final scenes. Sometimes we actually made ourselves cry.

                We adored playing school. Lynn was the teacher, and she had this giant pair of glasses that dwarfed her small face. She would put her hair in a bun and look for all the world like an old schoolmarm. “Now, class,” she would say in a nasally voice to me and the assembly of stuffed animals, “Today we will study MES-O-PO-TA-ME-UH. Can you say MES-O-PO-TA-ME- UH?”  This never failed to send me into hysterics. She made report cards for me and the stuffed animals, and I always got a D in conduct.

                We also played Barbies, which I absolutely abhorred when playing with anyone else. It was different with Lynn, because we made up very tragic stories that we acted out with the dolls, plus we made them some pretty cool outfits. Lynn seemed to have an endless supply of fabric scraps, which we would also use to decorate our shoebox “houses”.  Tiny toy animals purchased at the local dime store lived in the houses, and they had pretty adventurous lives. We made furniture for them, and itty bitty books and food and dishes from pieces of cardboard. Sometimes we would have tea parties on Lynn’s front porch, with all of our stuffed animals in attendance. Or we would play house in my grandma’s sunroom, and she would let us use her collection of salt and pepper shakers as long as we were careful. We never broke anything.

                Our favorite and most special thing to do, though, was The Trading Game. I’m not sure how it began, but it started with just a few cereal and Crackerjack prizes (back when Crackerjack prizes were actually cool as opposed to the junky little paper deals they have now) and eventually morphed into an entire elaborate system. We would save, in between the times we got to see each other, not only cereal and Crackerjack and gum machine prizes, but any small junk we could lay hands on. Mini notebooks and pencil sets, plastic rings that turned our fingers green, miniscule plastic dogs and horses, mini card decks and domino sets, and so on. Any party favors or prizes we got went into our respective boxes; every trinket we purchased or were given or found was saved until we saw each other again.

                We had a few rules for our game, one of which caused our first and only fight. Unlike most little girls, we rarely even had the slightest argument, perhaps because our time together was so limited that it would be pointless to waste it on girl drama and cattiness. Living so far apart, we didn’t have any mutual friends or boyfriends to come between us. The Trading Game was something we did exclusively with each other. It was one of the hallmarks of our special connection, a connection we never wanted to lose or mess up. But on this day…she tried to break one of our Rules. I was a stickler for Rules. Every game has them, and I was a game fanatic. In Scrabble, you can only make certain kinds of words. In Clue, you can’t look at the other person’s cards. In The Trading Game, once you put down an item to trade, and took your hand off of it, you HAD to trade if the other person wanted it. You could make the deal as tough as you wanted, but you had to trade for something.

                The culprit was a small red plastic canteen from a toy camping set. I desperately wanted that canteen. I loved to play Explorers and Prairie Girls and Cowboys and Army and Backyard Fort With Mud Wars, and that canteen would be perfect. Lynn set it down on the porch step…and removed her hand. I then began to bargain. She refused every offer. “Come on,” I said finally, exasperated. “I’m offering you the best stuff I have.”

                Then she said it. “No. I changed my mind.”

                “What??”

                She shrugged. “ I decided I want to keep it. I can. It’s mine, you know.”

                “You can’t do that.”

                A defiant lift of her chin. “I can too.”

                “No. You took your hand off. It’s the Rules.”

                “You made the Rules, I didn’t.”

                “We BOTH made the Rules.”

                “No, we didn’t.” She was annoyingly calm. I was getting flustered.

                “I ‘ll throw it into that tree over there, “ I threatened, “and then come back for it later.” I said this because I knew Lynn would never climb a tree.

                Then she got mad. “Well, FINE.” She practically threw the canteen at me. “TAKE it. And fill it with Clorox bleach liquid, and DRINK it, and DIE.” With that, she snatched up four or five of my items and flounced off into the house.

                I was stunned, but got in a parting shot. “You’re a CHEATER. You cheated me out of my Snoopy pencil set with that picture of your brother, and I don’t even LIKE him anymore. I think he’s UGLY.”

                She stuck her head out the door. “Just take the stupid canteen and LEAVE.” SLAM.

                I grabbed my box and the canteen and stomped back across the street to my Nonny’s house, where I proceeded to throw myself down on the wicker sofa and wail. Fifteen minutes later, I heard the door open and Lynn came running in, her faced streaked with tears. “I’m sorry,” we both cried at the same time. We hugged. Then we went back and forth about who should have the canteen, since neither of us really wanted it anymore. We finally compromised-it would live in my Nonny’s toy closet, and we would both play with it when I came to visit. Lynn also insisted on giving back most of the stuff I had traded to her for the canteen.

                You see, things are just things, but a good friend is a rarity. We both instinctively knew that. So the Trading Game went on for several more years, long after we were really too old for it, just as we continued to play with dolls and stuffed animals into our teens-but only when we were together. No one else had to know. We are both married now, and in our forties, with children nearly grown, but yesterday confessed to each other via Facebook that we have taken a vow to never really grow up. I still play with toys and color and watch Disney movies and I don’t really care who knows it. Most people don’t understand, but Lynn does. She understands everything.

                In the movie “Beaches”, Hilary and CeCe have very different lives, yet through the decades they remain steadfast friends. They know that no matter how long or how far they are separated, by years or miles, they will be there for one another.  They will always be friends-no, more than friends. Soulmates. Kindred spirits. So will Lynn and I. If we should happen to get together sometime in the future-the last time we saw each other was in 2000, 13 years ago-I know that once again, we will pick up right where we left off. If we don’t see each other face to face again until eternity, I know we will still recognize each other. Maybe we’ll trade some heavenly trinkets. Who knows? I just know that I have been blessed to have so much love in my life, to know so many amazing people .Lynn is one of God’s greatest gifts to me.

                I love you, Lynn!

“Long ago it must be, I have a photograph

Preserve your memories, they’re all that’s left you.”

To This Day

and if a kid breaks in a school
and no one around chooses to hear
do they make a sound?

                Upon first hearing Shane Koyczan’s poem “To This Day”, I wept. Having now heard it and read it many times, the impact is no less. He has put so eloquently into words how so many of us feel-to this day. Yes, I have left it behind, in a sense. But the long-term effects are subtle. The long-term effects are a handy tool for the Enemy to use against us. That’s why, to this day, criticism stings me harder, certain words trigger a feeling of nausea, and the positive is easily buried beneath the negative if I am not careful.

every school was a big top circus tent
and the pecking order went
from acrobats to lion tamers
from clowns to carnies
all of these were miles ahead of who we were
we were freaks
lobster claw boys and bearded ladies
oddities
juggling depression and loneliness playing solitaire spin the bottle
trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal
but at night
while the others slept
we kept walking the tightrope
it was practice
and yeah
some of us fell

                “Hey, Purd!” I can never forget it. I have tried. I won’t even tell how I got the nickname; it is too painful. It sounded like it didn’t mean anything, and that was the beauty of it for Her and all of Her lemmings. They knew I would never tattle, because then I would have to explain. So they could shout it at me on the bus or across the middle school campus and I would try to ignore it. “PURD! You look PURDY today!” Explosive laughter. Strange looks from people. Quizzical looks my friends, from my brother.”What does that even mean?” I never told. So they would say to Her, “Why don’t you shut up?” and of course She would put on a face of innocence. It was just a made-up word, what was the problem?

                That nickname did not follow me to high school, because She moved away. I began tenth grade with a profound sense of relief and a little bit of hope, which was quickly dashed those first few weeks. Some of Her lemmings tried the name, but it didn’t sound the same without Her to egg them on…so they came up with new ones, things that everyone could understand perfectly well…and I still never told because by then it seemed pointless as well as immature. Back then we were told to get over it, as long as no one was doing anything to us physically.

                When the cutting began, along with the hostility toward my parents, the diagnosis of borderline personality was made. How ironic is that? Day after horrible day I had to deal with being tortured by people who enjoyed watching others suffer, but I was the one with a personality disorder? At the time, though, I bought into it because I was already convinced there was something wrong with me anyway. My parents, not so much, especially when the suggestion was made to put me on Prozac. No, thanks. The idea of drugging their sixteen-year-old daughter was abhorrent to them, and they were right. In fact, I myself am opposed to that sort of thing under most circumstances-and I am not talking about legitimate things like actual ADD or bipolar disorder, in which case medication may be necessary in order for a person to function normally-but I am talking about drugs administered to mask the actual problem. Having gone through that with my son, who was put on Abilify at the age of ten, it makes me shudder.

                Looking back, I realize some things. I realize that I did have some issues, but they were probably more hormonal than anything. When at the age of thirty-two I was told by an OBGYN that no, I wasn’t crazy and never had been, that there were actual things going on physically that were not my fault, I actually hugged the man. I also realize that some of the issues had to do with the normal difficulties of growing up, that I am a particularly sensitive person which doesn’t have to be a bad thing, and that the school I attended was a shark tank. I was one of the plankton on whom the sharks fed. Finally, I realize now that the kids who went through a lot of the same things and seemed unbothered actually were bothered, they just had stronger personalities and many of them, like my friends Tisha and Charlotte, had such a deep Christian faith and were so mature spiritually that they were able to withstand it better than I.

                Knowing all of these things on an intellectual level, however, does not honestly help very much in the reality of everyday life. I think of Truman Capote, who needed so much affirmation from people because his wounds were so deep. I think of how he drained them emotionally. I don’t want to be the sort of person who takes and takes from my family and friends without giving back. I never want to be the kind of teacher whose self-esteem is so tied up in how the students respond to me that I fail utterly at earning their respect. I don’t think I am any of these things, but I worry about it a lot.Ridiculous thoughts that are lies from Satan keep me awake at night-and even as I write this, I know it might happen again tomorrow. I still walk the tightrope.

                In the movie “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”, my favorite line, said by an English teacher to a lonely young man, is “We accept the love we think we deserve.” It’s true. I see it all the time, particularly with young ladies who don’t see their beauty and worth and will allow themselves to be treated like dirt. But I see it with young men, too. With them it is usually different as they build walls of sarcasm and hostility, purposely making themselves unlovable so they won’t be hurt any more. I did all of those things. I tried it all. None of it worked. To this day, I still find it hard to accept praise, to receive unconditional love. I had a great family, but the abuse I suffered at the hands of my peers unfortunately often overshadowed it. I also accepted Christ at a young age, but the vile words of classmates often made me forget that God made me beautiful.

                “Strong animals know when your hearts are weak. “ Thus says little Hushpuppy in “Beasts of the Southern Wild”, a movie that I love so much because it speaks such truth. The people who get some kind of joy from hurting those who are weaker know exactly who we are, and they attack. That gives them power. Logically, the thing to do would be to not let them see that they have hurt us, but that’s easier said than done. I got better at it over time. In fact, I am so good at it now that I don’t let people know they have hurt me even when it would be more beneficial for everyone if I did so. I push it way, way down. Sometimes I feel stuffed to the brim, as though I will explode. Sometimes I do explode-at the wrong people, the ones closest to me. To this day,I am not “all right”.

            What I am, though, is forgiven and loved, not only by family, friends, and students, but by a big incredible God.When you come right down to it, no one is all right. Everyone is broken, be it a little or a lot. We want to do God’s job and fix each other, but we can’t. What we can do is love each other, help each other, and encourage other. We can pray for each other and support each other. “I see that I’m a little piece in a big, big universe,” says Hushpuppy. Indeed, we all are. Some of us may feel that we don’t fit, that there’s no room for our particular piece of the puzzle, but we all do.

and if you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself
get a better mirror
look a little closer
stare a little longer
because there’s something inside you
that made you keep trying

                The best mirror is God Himself. Look at Him, the One Who created us and sees only beauty, the One Who puts a spark of Himself into us all, and gives us life. He was the Something inside me that made me keep trying, even when I felt that I was on the edge of falling off the edge of the world. Those words that still echo down through the years can be drowned out by the Song, but I have to let that happen. I have to ask Him to silence those other voices and show me the mirror that reflects Truth and reveal to me daily that I am more than what I perceive myself to be-not because I am any better than anyone else, or any better than I ever have been, but because I am allowing Him to work through me.

“ Our lives will only ever always continue to be a balancing act that has less to do with pain and more to do with beauty.”

I'm Impressed!

“I’m impressed that God made this day so wonderful”. –small boy to his mother

                I read the above on my Facebook feed this past week and found it both beautiful and insightful. The little boy, Aidyn, is five, I think, or six-at any rate, still young enough to be impressed by God’s everyday gifts rather than taking them for granted.  I was not having a good week myself, but perhaps I was not looking hard enough for the goodness in things. Stress kept mounting and by yesterday morning I was ready to throw in the towel. I’m just being honest. It was not any one thing; it was a whole string of petty annoyances that included students being disrespectful, difficulties with my own kids, a dog with separation anxiety doing weird things like eating an entire package of hot dog buns, trying to do stuff on the Internet and not being able to get it to work right, and so and and blah, blah, blah.

                I tried singing praise songs. Of course I dutifully read my Bible. Dutifully. I went to church on Wednesday night. I prayed, dutifully. Listened to Power 88. Tried talking to a friend about something I was dealing with. That backfired because my daughter decided I was “saying mean things” about her. I wrote in my journal, reread some of Blue Like Jazz. I did my relaxing things like reading my fun books and playing my brain games and coloring and watching reruns of old TV shows . I diagramed a few sentences because I am strange and I find it entertaining. More dutiful prayer and Bible reading and praise music-and still, nothing. I was not at all impressed. I ate ridiculously healthy food and only felt hungry, not virtuous in the least. My tenth graders still resisted reading A TALE OF TWO CITIES and my eleventh-graders still argued about what constitutes plagiarism and the two boys who have been goofing off in that class partied on until I took them out into the hall and had a very strong one-sided conversation with them and then wrote them up, which is the thing about my job that I hate the most.

                Yes, it was that kind of week. And yet…

                On Thursday the Zambian Singers came to our school as they do every year. If you have never heard them, you should. They are a group from Africa, totally non-profit. Everything they make goes to funding their Christian school of 250 students and five teachers in one of the poorest regions of Africa. Yes, 250 students. Yes, five teachers. I tried to imagine fifty students in one classroom without any of the fancy trappings I have, like nice chairs and tables and decent books and a whiteboard, a computer, and a projector. I tried to imagine the difficulty inherent in attempting to give individual help to fifty students, and how exhausted those teachers must be every day.  The Zambians sang their amazing concert, all a capella, their voices blending in incredible harmonies. They got our own Mr. Wade up there to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” with them. I was beginning to be pretty impressed.

                My mind wandered back to the previous day, when I found a note of encouragement from a student. She said things about me that made me cringe, not because they weren’t nice, but because they were. They were undeserved, at least at the moment when I was reading them. On Thursday afternoon after school, the two boys to whom I had had to assign detention came into my classroom. One worked on the math that is frustrating him to no end and the other did chores that I assigned. I talked to them both and they expressed regret for their behavior. One in particular really owned it, said that it was pretty inexcusable and that he would make every effort to change things. This reinforced what had been said in the note-that the students DO appreciate me, they just don’t always act like it. Impressed again, I went home. Unfortunately, it was a rather bad evening, and my mishandling of things with my kids didn’t help. I dutifully prayed. No, I desperately prayed. I needed things to get better. I prayed with the expectation that they would. I had already seen glimmers of the possibility that they could. There were the Zambians, and the note, and the apologetic boys, and I had found in some donated books a complete set of the Little House series. I have not owned a complete set since the fire. Then there was that really good discussion in creative writing…and on Wednesday there had been that really good discussion of romantic poetry in senior English. The week had not been a total loss.

                By yesterday morning, my kids were speaking to me again. We were out of uniform so I didn’t have to wear a dress. In first block I realized that majority of students actually are reading A TALE OF TWO CITIES-at least enough to have a halfway coherent discussion. In second block a student told me that she had finished LORD OF THE FLIES already and that it made her cry. I asked her why, specifically. I mean, it makes me cry, too, but I was curious. She said not only was the story sad, but that she felt terribly sorry for the author, who obviously had a very negative view of humanity and had no hope .We talked more about the book and I was impressed by her depth of understanding. In third block we had a great time with ROMEO AND JULIET, especially when a girl read Romeo’s part and a guy read Juliet’s. At lunch, my Nerd Herd shared pizza with me. Ham and pineapple. The day ended with the second of the goof-off eleventh-grade boys coming and offering to help me clean my room. He told me that he had learned some important lessons during the week, and that he knew his behavior was inappropriate and immature, and it was time to start buckling down and being a better example to others. Guess what? I was VERY impressed.

                Last night I sat and took stock and realized that that if we seek to find only the bad, we probably will. Like William Golding, the author of LORD OF THE FLIES, we can choose to see everything as a total loss and ignore the wonder that is all around us. The Glory is still everywhere, though. We may be having a week that seems so disastrous that we are blinded to what is Real. We may be going through things that are so awful that we forget about the grace. But there is a possibility that the Grace and the Glory and the Good are all intertwined with the Terrible Awfulness or the merely annoying. While my prayer and Bible reading this past week may have been largely of the Dutiful rather than the Grateful sort, I know that God knows me and knows that my heart’s desire is to honor Him, and He forgives me. He forgives me for missing blessings while they were happening right before my eyes. Blessings like a sorrel colt with an injured leg that is healing and mending because a girl with a loving heart has been fully obedient. The Girl and the Colt are two creatures that came suddenly and unexpectedly into my life and I am forever changed. Likewise the Boy, who last night brought me a rose, the Boy who humbly acknowledged that he has not been much help this past week because of his attitude-that Boy is a gift. The students who tried to make right their foolishness, the friend who was willing to listen, the rain that fell in buckets and renewed the grass for the sorrel colt to graze upon, the flowers that are blooming because they think it is Spring, the husband who tracked down a copy of an elusive book that I wanted, the stars that hang so low in the sky some nights and sparkle so brightly that the traveler can find his way Home, even the dog who ate the bag of hot dog buns but who has been there to help heal our pain-these are gifts from the One who knows best what we need.

                Thank you, God. I am impressed.

“I discovered later, and I'm still discovering right up to this moment, that is it only by living completely in this world that one learns to have faith. By this-worldliness I mean living unreservedly in life's duties, problems, successes and failures. In so doing we throw ourselves completely into the arms of God, taking seriously, not our own sufferings, but those of God in the world. That, I think, is faith.”
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer